


Aiding the Inept

by AnonCat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkwardness, Embarrassment, M/M, Sex Education
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-19
Updated: 2014-03-19
Packaged: 2018-01-16 07:19:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1336855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonCat/pseuds/AnonCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Fill for the SnK Kink Meme] </p><p>Erwin overhears the inexperienced youngsters having terribly awkward sex one night... and convinces Levi that they have to help them out, lest they hurt themselves. So they take Eren and Jean aside for some terribly embarrassing but incredibly helpful sex ed.</p><p>(This is <i>not</i> a "here, let me show you..." sort of sex ed. Just so you know.)</p><p>Warnings for colorful descriptions, Levi's vocabulary, and cringe-worthy awkwardness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aiding the Inept

**Author's Note:**

> Fill and Prompt: http://snkkink.dreamwidth.org/3666.html?thread=6145362#cmt6145362

It was supposed to be a surprise inspection, that’s what Erwin thought he was going to be doing, strolling down the hallways of the new recruit barracks. In fact, he was whistling softly to himself, looking forward to catching the young soldiers in various states of untidiness and perhaps undress, scaring and perhaps embarrassing them witless.

What he _hadn’t_ expected to catch them in the middle of… was this.

“Holy f--!! Jean, are you sure it’s supposed to do that?!”

“Just shut up, you moron! Of course I'm sure. … I think.”

For a moment, Erwin couldn’t believe what he was hearing: a moan interrupted by an awkward yelp of pain, the young recruit, Kirstein, cursing softly in French and muttering something about having used too little lube, the distinct voice of the Jaeger boy squawking about how he could tell, and about how much of an asshole Jean was for claiming to have experience with this sort of thing. Erwin winced at a sudden _bang!_ , another curse from Eren Jaeger, and a vehement denial of guilt from Jean Kirstein.

“That was your own damn fault!”

“Oh yeah, I did that on purpose cause I'm _totally_ aroused by banging my _head_ into the _wall_!”

“Damnit, man, then hold still!”

“How am I supposed to hold still?! You keep poking me with that- ah!!”

“Shit! I missed!”

“I hadn’t noticed, you dick!”

“Sh-shut up! Like you know what the hell you’re doing!”

Erwin winced as the argument continued, letting his head rest against the door as he listened to the sounds of awkward, painfully inexperienced teenage sex. The Arlert boy briefly poked his head out of his own room, clutching an anatomy book to his chest and looking ready to charge in to the rescue, but squeaked and slammed his door shut again when he spotted his Commander apparently assessing the situation. When Erwin physically couldn’t listen anymore, face hot with secondhand embarrassment, he stumbled back down the hallway, forgetting all about his planned surprise inspection.

\------

“Levi, get out here right now! I need to talk to you about the new recruits!”

No response. Unwilling to be put off, Erwin knocked again.

“Levi, this is urgent! Open up!”

After another moment, the door cracked open. Levi glared up at his commander with all the fury contained in the blackest pits of hell, spitting out, “What?”

Erwin didn’t flinch. Levi’s glares, impressive as they were, no longer intimidated him. Shoving inside, he took in the corporal’s baby-blue pajamas and ruffled hair, along with what looked like a trace of toothpaste foam on his lips.

“Sorry for disturbing you at this hour,” he began, genuinely apologetic, “but it really is an urgent manner- to do with young Kirstein and Jaeger.”

“Eren?” Levi echoed, seeming mildly interested (although still irritated). “What about them?”

“I heard them having sex,” Erwin said bluntly. “And neither of them knew what they were doing. It was horrible.”

Levi’s eyebrows arched. “Incompetent in bed? Excuse me while I try to appear surprised. Erwin, they’re children- not like you and I,” he added, looking a bit amused.

The blonde man shot him a ‘Now is not the time’ look, and then made his proposal. “We have to help them out- I mean, we can’t just leave it… they’ll end up hurting themselves! And keeping the rest of the recruits awake in the process! Plus, the Arlert boy- brave soul, really, I don’t care what anyone says –was planning on charging in there with an _anatomy textbook_! An anatomy book, Levi!”

The corporal grimaced. “That is bad,” he conceded, and then sighed. “Fine, fine… first thing tomorrow, we’ll both have a word with them- I’ll take Eren, you handle the Kirstein boy.”

A smile broke out across Erwin’s face, and he leaned down to kiss the shorter, exceedingly disgruntled man once, sweetly. “Thank you, Levi.”

“Tch. Just get the fuck out of my room and let me sleep. We’ll deal with this tomorrow.”

\------

Erwin sighed heavily. The Kirstein boy was staring at him, wide-eyed and looking somewhat terrified- unsurprising, considering the poor recruit had been given no explanation as to why he had been called into his commander's office. The blonde man paced the length of the room, glanced at the boy, then shook his head and looked down, pacing the same distance in the opposite direction.

"... Am I in trouble, sir?" Jean asked, unusually timid, unable to stand the suspense. His commander looked over again, and then laughed shortly.

"Perhaps. But I've called you here to get you _out_ of this particular trouble."

Jean blinked- Erwin was usually confusing, but this was insane. So he simply stared, trying desperately to list all the stupid things he had done in the recent past and identify just one that might have landed him in this horrible position. Yet the commander's next words caught him entirely off guard. They were the absolute last words he had expected to hear.

"I'm going to teach you how to go about sex- properly, safely, and skillfully!"

\---

"Whaaat?!"

"You suck at sex, Eren!" Levi repeated, pointing an accusatory finger at the younger boy. "Erwin told me that he overheard you and the Kirstein boy making a horrible mess of things last night! I'm here to impart some helpful tips, so listen up!"

"H-Heichou..." Eren began helplessly, his face tomato-red, "I don't know-"

"-don't know what I'm talking about?" Levi interrupted, leaning over the desk and shoving his face into Eren's. "Don't lie, brat, I'm trying to help. Now, the first thing you need to know about is lube- lube is your god damn best friend. Trust me, I know."

The younger boy still couldn't believe his ears, but somehow he managed to stammer, "Y-you know...?"

Levi growled in apparent disgust. "Of course I know! Erwin's fucking huge. It hurts like _hell_ when the bastard doesn't use enough lube!"

Eren gagged slightly, his blush intensifying until his skin was burning as hot as a Titan's skin.

\---

"To avoid causing your partner undo pain, one must use lube properly," Erwin said in an educational voice, much to Jean's increasing horror. "It may be primarily for their comfort, but it also enhances _our_ experience- especially if you have a feisty partner like Lev- I mean _Jaeger_ , who's liable to bite your unmentionables the very first chance he gets in the name of revenge."

Jean's face lost what little color it had left.

"Along the lube," the commander continued, "it's important to remember the following: always prep your partner by stretching their entrance, preferably using your fingers. You can insert first one, then another, and then make a scissoring motion to loosen their muscles." He demonstrated with his fingers. "See? Like this," he said, and then encouraged, "Try it."

Jean weakly held up one hand and made the motion, shrinking deeper into his chair as he did so.

\---

"And don't be afraid to tell the bastard if you're not ready!" Levi said. "The stretching isn't always enough, trust me!" Then he paused, looking thoughtful before asking, seriously, "How large is the Kirstein boy?"

Eren gagged. "Heichou...!" he gasped, looking horrified. Levi sighed.

"Fine, don't tell me. I'm not interested for my own knowledge, after all, simply to make my tips more personalized. But even if he's got a tiny dick, you're bound to run into someone of Erwin's size eventually. And it's important to keep in mind that _they_ need _you_ , not the other way around."

"I-I don't follow," the teen stammered.

"Don't be overly eager to have their goddamn dick shoved up your ass," Levi rephrased, bluntly. "Be sure you're ready, first. Lube, stretching, and some oral should all come first."

\---

"Foreplay is an important part of intercourse, as well," Erwin said seriously, making Jean wriggle uncomfortably. "Not only is it pleasant, but it gets you both ready for the eventual penetration. Do you know a lot about foreplay, young man?"

"Some," Jean said defensively, although he knew very little. "Like... kissing and handjobs and stuff like that-!" He squeaked, shocked that he had said the word "handjob" to the commander of the Survey Corps.

"Yes, good... although there is much more to it than that." Erwin got a faraway look his eyes, and sighed softly. "Levi gives the most fabulous blowjobs, let me tell you. I try to do the same for him, but he always teases me about how bad I am at it..." He trailed off, looking embarrassed and clearing his throat. "You don't want Jaeger to tease you for that sort of thing, right?"

"N-no Sir!!" Jean exclaimed, suddenly quite eager to hear what the commander had to say. "How does one give excellent blowjobs, Sir?!"

\---

"Practice with your fingers until you can take them all the way back into your throat without gagging," Levi said, opening his mouth as if to demonstrate. "The quickest way to drive the bastard crazy is by swallowing around their dick. The harder, the better."

"But, isn't that a bit..." Eren gulped before venturing, "... _unsanitary_?"

Levi surprised the younger boy by giving a barking laugh. "I suppose so, but it's less so than the alternative. I personally prefer to drink Erwin's cum, as opposed to having it get all over me and my bed. _That_ is truly disgusting... all sticky and... bleh!" He shuddered.

\---

"Start out slowly," Erwin instructed. "Penetration is a lot more uncomfortable for them than it is for us- however, slam in too quickly and it will get quite unpleasant for you quite quickly, as well, if Jaeger is anything like Levi."

"And how do we know when we can speed up?" Jean asked eagerly, now taking notes. Erwin chuckled.

"Ask them to tell you. If Jaeger is anything like Levi, he's bossy by nature. Even if he isn't, he'll get used to it quickly enough with encouragement. The more vocal your partner, the better job you're doing- and the easier it is to improve your technique, since you're constantly getting feedback."

"How did you learn so much about sex, Sir?" Jean asked in amazement, his mouth hanging open. Erwin shook his head, laughing slightly even as he puffed out his chest.

"Well, other than experience..."

\---

"The Underground, brat," Levi replied. "Did you forget where I grew up? Fuck, your life depended upon the quality of blowjobs you gave down there."

Eren nodded seriously. "And so you learned to give excellent oral."

"Hell yes I did, oral and everything else. And it's served me well ever since."

"Wow...!" Eren breathed, and his commander gave a self-assured smirk.

"Heed my tips, and it'll serve you well, too."

\------

Levi nestled into Erwin's bare chest, his whole body rising and falling as the larger man tried to catch his breath. Purring softly, Levi scraped his nails gently along his lover's chest, snuggling closer.

"We did a fucking good thing for those kids, Erwin."

"Yes... yes, we did."

"Did you forget to mention condoms?"

Erwin's brow knit. "I did, didn't I? How'd you know?"

"You forgot ours tonight, you dick."

"Aah... sorry."

"Not to worry. I anticipated this."

"Oh? So you told Jaeger about them?"

"No. But don't worry- I made sure its covered."

"... You didn't."

"What if I did?"

Erwin chuckled, and wrapped one arm around the much smaller man's body and shook his slightly. "That was cruel, Levi."

And Levi shifted so that he was more comfortable, and nestled his head into Erwin's chest and sighed contentedly. "Ah, fuck it. Our job is done."

\------

Armed with their new knowledge, the two young soldiers were disrobing excitedly, each eager to try out what they had learned that day.

And then, with both of them in various stages of undress and arousal, the door burst open (it had been locked, but the feeble lock proved little barrier).

"Wait, stop, don't do _iiiiiit_!!"

Jean, pants around his ankles, lost his balance and fell over sideways. Eren, who had just flung his boxers to the side, lunged for something, _anything_ to cover himself.

"Whew!" Hanji exclaimed, adjusting her glasses and straightening her clothes. "I made it just in time!" Then, from seemingly nowhere, she produced a banana and condom, holding them both out. "One more important lesson, boys!

"Love is cleaner with a packaged wiener!!"


End file.
